Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

   If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.

   Imagining the horrified look on your kid's face when you tell them "When I was born there was no internet".

   did primary voters even google "Clinton"?

   .... I remember in May of 2008 when a lady named Hillary Clinton suggested the assassination of Barack Obama but her balls weren't electrocuted by the CIA .... So why should Trumps?

   Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls

   Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

   I miss the days when getting tested just meant you were sleeping around.

   What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?

   Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

   I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.

   Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.

   George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."

   I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.

   Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.

   I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy

   Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.

   Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."

   Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.