Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I'm pretty sure Jesus never taught people to only look after themselves and to ignore the poor and hungry.

   Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...

   I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

   Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.

   Career advice for young people: be born to filthy rich parents.

   It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do. Never mind.

   Give people who call with a private number a dose of their own medicine by knocking on their doors while wearing a mask.

   My favorite part of the day is the sitting down and getting drunk part. Definitely not the crying bit.

   why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   Nice try whatsapp but I still don't feel bad about ignoring people's messages.

   While drunk me would love to grab your butt...sober me would probably agree

   Plans for the weekend? Lie in bed and move just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

   I am sickened by people that put ketchup on mac and cheese.

   Do people on Facebook really believe someone when they tell them "your kid is so adorable"? Because they shouldn't. Ever.

   Hotels, holiday resorts, airports and restaurants should just go ahead an employ a full time professional photographer to take people's pics they can post on their Facebook walls.

   wondering if cupid has a job opening??? I would LOVE to shoot people in the Ass and get away with it!!!!

   Went bowling last night.... because I like jamming my thumb where a million other people have jammed their thumbs.

   If you don't define yourself for yourself, you will be crunched into other people's fantasies and abused till kingdom come.

   i wish the brightness control on my TV made the people smarter