Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't dwell on past mistakes. I have family for that.

   Carrie Fisher will forever stake claim on the title of Best Buns.

   Life was a lot easier when I believed in Santa Claus. . .

   ♫ All in all, it’s just a… nother post on my wall. ♫

   Tip for next month: Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

   Houston we have a ball game

   Never think of yourself as worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market.

   Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....

   You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   I wish I could feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class

   It's all fun and games until someone brings out Monopoly.....

   You shouldn't be buying lobster when you're on a tuna fish budget. 

   for Lent I'm giving up relationships...oh, nevermind, they gave up on me already

   FYI,,, Bobcat is just short for Robertcat. ...*Science.

   My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive many times and hoping they are more brave than I am.

   ....... I was thinking ...... Considering the state of affairs in this country .... We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie. Most would die of severe electrocution!

   Guys: I'm not a tomboy, but I'm not a girly girl either. Like I want to get my nails done but also I wanna get muddy and set stuff on fire. Wanna date me?

   It's always good to announce your break-up via Facebook. It's the easiest way to let her friends know you're available.

   The two best days of my life: The day I got married and the day my divorce was final.

   Dance like its back in 1999 when no one had a camera phone.