Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My hobbies include but are not limited to, being difficult for no reason & not responding to texts.

   Whats the best drug to have sex on? BIRTH CONTROL

   I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?

   Chocolate Hazelnut is my favorite flavor of coffee creamer and also my rap name.....

   COPD is deadly and no one likes dealing with it, whether you are referring to Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, or the Commission On Presidential Debates.

   I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."

   Password security questions allow me to relive all of my childhood traumas. "Who stood you up for Senior Prom and how did your first dog die?"

   Looking for a vegan alternative to cauliflower.

   Everyone has that one friend who goes on and on about how good roasted pumpkin seeds are. You know, the liar friend.

   Chances are ladies, that if you're holding an acoustic guitar in your profile pic, I'm not accepting your friend request.

   Whenever I see a post that only says "I can't" or "I can't even" I assume the person drove off a cliff and the rest of the post was supposed to say "write a complete sentence."

   This Uber app is the worst dating site ever. A lot of dates but zero action...

   Today my virtually 3 year old daughter can unlock a mobile phone, open and close apps all by herself, at that age I ate sand !

   Whoever has voodoo doll of me, please have me clean the house and then recline me on the couch.

   I stand with Tiger Woods, he obviously needs help standing.

   Charlie Sheen has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

   . Have you heard the saying the truth will set you free? I told the judge the truth and got three years.

   If you're ever in a bathroom & see a glory hole; a fun thing to do is attach a hornet nest to it.

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits, I mean they'd own an ice cream store and the benefits would be free ice cream.