Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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My coffee pot screamed my name this morning as it spurted its hot liquid inside the carafe. 
You know you’re ugly, when you can’t even get poked on FB.
Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.
A man's home is his castle. Untill the queen comes home.
Don't change to get people to like you. Be your self and they will respect you.
The only way a person can lose is if he doesn't try and according to my wife, I'm one of the most trying person she has ever known.
Man to a super cute air hostess : Whats your name? Air Hostess: Eva Benz Man: Lovely name, any relationship with Mercedes Benz? Air Hostess: Our Maintenance cost is the same
It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead
The government and a duck have something in common. They both can stick their bills up their (_|_) :)
As a country we should let our children lead us into the future. Mine just made a pop-tart sandwich.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
How TF is Easter, April Fools, and Rent Due all on the same day?!
My dog and I have the same schedule: 6 AM: Wake up 7 AM: Eat breakfast 8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn 9 AM: Play 10 AM: Nap
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays. I think about that a lot.
I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home...
A Match(.com), but for socks.
It's really ironic that usually when I have to show my driver's license it's to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand. 