Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listen,,, any sport is dodgeball if you aren't very good.

   The gotye concert was amazing. kept playing "Somebody That I Used To Know" over & over. Easy to go to the bathroom, concessions.. Would recommend

   Nothing worse than getting drunk and slipping and falling into a relationship.

   Never cut off the minivans, they have nothing to live for.

   I'm so hungry I could eat a whole bottle of whiskey

   A couple of my neighbors still occassionally say Hello to me. Apparently I'm doing something wrong

   I just finished coloring Snooki's new book.

   Shout out to my parents... BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN HEAR ME.

   It must take a lot of self-control to work in a bubble wrap factory.

   If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.

   I learned how to kiss from watching my dog drink from the garden hose.

   Leaving some stones unturned is just fine with me.

   The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough...

   Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

   "Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won't.

   Here's a bright idea ..... How about coming up with some Comprehensive Common Sense Terrorist Control instead of the same old talking points?

   Trump and Hillary are on the same plane. Plane crashes, who survives? America

   319 million people in the US and somehow after an exhaustive search we ended up with Trump and Hillary! So .... I guess if you want a leader that is full of corruption and deceit you know which one to vote for. Or vote for the other one.

   Hey parents: I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.

   Hmmmmmm ..... One says nasty words ........ The other does Nasty things. I wonder which one would hurt you most.