Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Yes I'm that a$$hole who refuses to stand up and clap in a room filled with people standing and clapping.

   I've never understood the big deal some people make when they clean house and say "you can eat off the floor"...on any given day, there's enough food on my floor to feed a small family...

   If there's one thing I really can't stand when I'm drunk, it's up.

   some people are like clouds, once they f__K off it becomes a nice day.

   sometimes, just in case the government is monitoring me, I call people I don't like and leave messages about bombs

   I wrap the first few presents Martha Stewart style but towards the end they take on a drunk Helen Keller style.

   All these end-of-the-year top 10 things that happened in 2011 lists must be handy for people who were asleep all year or dead.

   I hate people who wear pajamas to the airport.

   People always wonder why it is that a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you....it's your breath.

   The picture that comes inside the picture frame you buy, The people in it are always more attractive than the people in your picture. Makes it difficult to make the switch

   Throwing ice at people who need to chill the fu@k out.

   I think my best friends and I abuse each other more than the people we actually hate.

   How is it that people who think they know everything never know when to STFU?

   wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at a time

   Hillary wears them long pant suits because she dosent have the typical "Camel Toe". She has what some people call "Moose Foot"

   I hate band names that are commands: Foster The People, Panic At The Disco, Imagine Dragons, and Walk The Moon. Don't f*ckin tell me what to do!!!

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”

   I don't know about you, but I'm sick of seeing disabled people being pushed around...

   WTF is up with people hating on HipHop these days? Thanks to Lil Wayne,I now know that a "Goblin" is better than a "Goon", Pitbull taught Me how to count to 4 in Spanish, and Plies taught me how to be intimate with a woman by pouring Kool-Aid down her a$$