Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

   Pokemon GO has done more for child obesity in the last 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past 8 years.

   Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.

   I'm OK with the French beach laws,, but the KKK shouldn't be allowed to wear their burkas either... *Ya know,, fairness

   Besides illegal immigrants, Hillary also has a lot of supporters that died along time ago.

   Gary Johnson is now claiming he can see Aleppo from Sarah Palin's porch.

   did anyone ever find out what The Rock was cooking? I always hoped it was bacon

   Props to Jon Bon Jovi for continuing to keep up with the hairstyles of women his age.

   Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.

   Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

   I'm so crazy I'm thinking about springing forward right now....see you in an hour!

   Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it's a trap because the prerequisites are English 101 & Brrrains!!!

   I was serenading under this chick's window and she still blew me off. Luckily, her grandma was old school. Score!

   Everyone was so disappointed when I announced, "the next round is on me!" and then came back from the bar with a fistful of Capri Suns

   Eventually we'll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

   Daytime commercials assume there are a ton of great inventors that watch crappy shows and are super gullible.

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops. 

   If you take the number of minutes it took someone to text you back, multiply it by five & subtract your age, you've got WAY too much free time.

   If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

   My teacher always used tell me to follow my dreams now it seems I have a restraining order