Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NASA reports surging applications for astronaut training programs proves trending interest in space exploration. That or maybe more interest in leaving the planet after this lame election...

   I'm excited for this season's finale of America

   You think you're having a bad day, you could be a Siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and you're the only one with an ass.

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you teeter between, "Woo Hoo, the week is half over" and *tear*, "the week is only half over.

   My biggest pet peeve is that people expect me to remember their pet peeves. Please don't forget that!

   We can drink a drink, but we can’t food a food.

   My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

   Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time

   Why go to all the holiday expense of visiting relatives in another state when you can stay at home and set yourself on fire for free?

   It always fascinates me when someone gets off a water ride angry because they got wet.

   *at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have

   I don't care what you say. Arbor Day and Christmas are cousins.

   I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

   YouTube: Domestically educating the public since 2005

   ..... The only thing deflated at this year's Superb owl was the Falcons.

   Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.

   My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs

   No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.

   Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"

   They say that ignorance is bliss but I find it rather disturbing.