Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I didn't drive there in the first place. Anyone missing a car?

   Hugh Hefner dead at 91.... =( Good thing he had so many reasons to keep it up for so long

   When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

   For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down.

   I walked into the library yesterday and asked if they had the reference work.."Calcification Of The Spine"...The librarian said..."I've got a hardback"...I said..."Yeah...that's the one...thank you!!"

   Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

   2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.

   I don't get the lowest common denominator mentality of FB groups. Someone posts something thought provoking and gets no attention. Someone else posts "What's better, a Whopper or a Big Mac?" and they ago berzerk answering.

   When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

   Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

   I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

   freezing my eggs so I can chuck em at his house later

   Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

   My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo

   The main difference between a Nudist and a Streaker is the type of blur your local TV News channel uses of the incident.

   True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.

   Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?

   My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

   Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.