Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin....no matter how epic it is.

   Only recently found out that those fold out tables in the men's restrooms are for changing babies and not for napping.

   Kim Kardashian blames herself for Paris robbery. No word yet on if she takes responsibility for the downfall of Western society.

   Cured meats taste better than meats that are still sick.

   For Halloween I'm going to be emotionally stable, no one's gonna know its me.

   I know what I am going to be for Halloween, I'm going to be drunk. . .

   If anyone over tells you your dreams are silly, remember there's a millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.

   I want to reincarnated as a seagull that flies around theme parks, stealing churros that are absentmindedly being held by toddlers.

   Recently learned that it's impossible to make eye contact with a hotel maid while giving her used hand towels.

   I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.

   I wonder if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

   I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar?

   My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

   This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.

   How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

   Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   .....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.

   :) Why is a hot water heater, called a hot water heater ? Who needs to heat hot water?:D