Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

   just gave my 5yo power of attorney

   in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

   "The system is rigged." --Bernie Sanders after losing at Monopoly

   I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.

   How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon Go player with my car?

   Heck, Who wants to look at Melania Trump as First Lady of the United States when we could have the Screechers wife Bill Clinton as the First Lady.

   My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.

   I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.

   Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....

   I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.

   My minds wanders a lot. Fortunately, it's too weak to go very far.

   They are driven to do what they do and no new law will stop them.

   It's cool that both Twitter and Games of Thrones are all about 140 characters.

   Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

   Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture.

   YEAH!!!!! FIRST DAY OF SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE!!!!! when do the kids go back to school??

   Contrary to rumors, a full moon before the summer solstice is not bad news. Unless you're a werewolf who likes to go to the beach.

   My Dad gave me a set of golf clubs. Hope someone tries to break into my house pretty soon so I can try them out.

   me: Waiter, we're in a hurry. Will those hot dogs be long? Waiter: about a foot sir. me: (heavy sigh)