Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked.. but that’s rare.

   I'm such a procrastinator, I'm just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

   Felt something cold and wet on my arm, damn mosquito used an alcohol wipe before he bit me.

   Having some states lockdown, and some states not lockdown is like having a peeing section in the pool.

   Everyone here is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

   This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!

   Since it is actually impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have a on-going crisis.

   Beavers don't go to heaven. In the afterlife they are sent to eternal dam nation.

   I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

   I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.

   if you're going through hell stop and smell the flames

   I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, I couldn't snap out of it...Then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards.

   A lot of people cry when they chop onions....The trick is to not form an emotional bond

   I'm kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I'm just a guy in a bathrobe.

   finishing the toilet paper roll and not replacing it should be considered as domestic terrorism.

   If you cross a 4-leaf clover with poison ivy you'll end up with a rash of good luck.

   Anyone who says you added too much cheese is an undercover cop.

   If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a Man now

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online

   Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch