Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed .... 
BREAKING NEWS: Massive cold takes over US after Trump calls out Heat Miser on Twitter
A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me.
I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila and Produce to pay for this wall.
You want to gauge how dumb people are these days? No, don't look at Dept. of Education stats, SAT scores or even IQ's. Listen closely to someone ahead of you at a fast food drive thru place an order.
Up until now, I thought "twerking" was short for "networking." Needless to say, today's business lunch was rather awkward.
This giraffe is such an attention hog they should name the baby "Kardashian".
I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Curiously enough, pulling out of Trumpcare is also the GOP's new birth control strategy.
Think I'm going to ride a cow to work tomorrow .. trigger sum folks
I am addicted to buying old Beatles' albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help?
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.
Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....
Parents with Antifa shirts should not worry about if their child gets laughed at about climate change
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Spent too much money over Christmas so tonight I'm going to party like its $19.99
A big difference between men and women I've found during my 60 years of living is that if a woman says 'smell this' it's likely to smell nice.
Remember to double check lawn signs during the election primaries. I just tried to vote for a real estate agent...
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks. I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day. 