Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"

   Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.

   You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess

   Think I'm going to ride a cow to work tomorrow .. trigger sum folks

   I am addicted to buying old Beatles' albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help?

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.

   Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....

   Parents with Antifa shirts should not worry about if their child gets laughed at about climate change

   Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal

   interviewer: describe yourself in three words. frankenstein’s monster: a people person

   I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.

   That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

   Went on a date last night and after it was over she said “Thank you for wearing a mask.” Honesty wasn’t sure how to take that. 😐

   opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

   1965~ Wow Cher looks good 1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good 1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good 2020 ~Wow Cher looks good 3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

   I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

   Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

   I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I've experienced the 7-Day Free Trial and I'm not interested.

   Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.