Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's no way EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting. You know there was at least one guy hiding in a corner thinking "Man, I don't want none of this."

   A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed."

   They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.

   Ever noticed that some english speaking tv stations has SAP in spanish for the latino viewers. But spanish speaking tv stations does not have SAP in english for the english speaking viewers.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day....

   I didn't mean to gain weight...It was a snacident!

   "The system is rigged." --Bernie Sanders after losing at Monopoly

   I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.

   How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon Go player with my car?

   Heck, Who wants to look at Melania Trump as First Lady of the United States when we could have the Screechers wife Bill Clinton as the First Lady.

   My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.

   I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.

   Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....

   I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.

   Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake.

   I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

   Either I just stepped in dog sh*t or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

   The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs.

   What we've learned from this election, is that if you go black, you can indeed go back.

   Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?