Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

   1965~ Wow Cher looks good 1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good 1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good 2020 ~Wow Cher looks good 3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

   I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

   Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

   I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I've experienced the 7-Day Free Trial and I'm not interested.

   Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

   This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

   just gave my 5yo power of attorney

   in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

   I called the vet. and told him that my wife willbe dropping by with our old cat. Can you euthanizer her without any pain? Sure he said, but will the cat find it's way back home alone?

   It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!

   If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"

   Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.

   You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie

   When a woman asks "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" There is no safe answer but "Yes, but it isn't the jeans' fault." is definitely the wrong one.

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."

   If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.