Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't call me if I texted you. Don't text me if I called you.

   I think its safe to say.. We all have that one co-worker that doesnt know when to STFU!

   my gastro-intestinal Dr. was named Joe...he looked pissed when he came in the room and I sang ..G.I Joe...

   Don't complain when I CAN'T go out those nights you want to but then you WON'T go out on the nights I'm able to!!

   My mood ring isn't a fashion statement. It is a court order!

   People who are buying Bieber please stop it's just encouraging him

   As I walk through Walmart......all the sudden the election makes sense.

   But the Atlanta Falcons won the popular vote! How could this happen?! #NOTMYSUPERBOWL

   Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   Today is International Women's Day, It was supposed to be yesterday, but they couldn't get everything ready on time.

   The phrase "fake news" is getting just as annoying as "wazzz-uuuuup"

   I'm out of bacon. This is my suicide note.

   If the start of a Basketball game is called a Tip-off, why isn’t the start of a Hockey game called a Puck-off?

   Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while furniture polish is made with real lemons?

   I have depression. A friend suggested I need to get out more so I went to the beach. Now I have a Tropical Depression.

   Got some good financial news today. The kid I've been sponsoring in some third-world country got eaten by a lion.

   Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now

   I can't get a break. I bought a can of evaporated milk, opened it up...it was full.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.