Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking

   If I got attacked by a bunch of homeless people I think I would really be bummed.

   Im sorry ladies, but life is not a fairy tale, and If you lose your shoe after midnight it means, well, you’re drunk.

   Cruelty is people with back pain having to bend over at the pharmacy to get a tube of Bengay from the bottom shelf.

   Halloween is like any other day. People pretending to be someone their not.

   You'd think by the amount of people claiming to have native blood that we native men would have a better reputation as lovers

   If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

   I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish........ *and yes,, I was around alot of people smoking pot today so....

   Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.

   I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot

   Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as "really nice" people. Who else is a "really nice" neighbor? Canada. I'm just sayin'

   Sometimes poeple want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.

   14,000 people are having sex right now. 25,000 are kissing. 50,000 are hugging. And you....we'll you're reading this.

   You really understand how drunk you are when you're peeing...

   I feel sorry for people that haven't found their true love. My ex is on her 5th.

   Reports show that $22 billion in productivity is lost to social media, but I'm pretty sure people slacked off before Facebook.

   I saw 3 people pick up after their dogs this morning. Top of the food chain? .. Yeah right