Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   It's almost that time of year where I don't have to feel weird about eating cookies shaped like people.

   Syria says it will not use chemical weapons against its own people."No need really, Bombs and bullets seem to do the job just fine."

   Even when gymnasts screw up there is a line of people to hug them, lie to them & say "nice job". I wish I had that.

   I've been working out so much I'm losing my voice from telling people about it.

   I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.

   In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to subtly disapprove of everything people do today by loudly exhaling.

   The United States...311,591,917 people trying to keep it real, and 7,000 plastic surgeons trying to convince them otherwise.

   When I start thinking people aren't that bad, all I have to do to ressucitate the hate is go grocery shopping

   I'm one of those people that tried this at home

   You say cannibal, I say people person.

   a lady cop pulls over a drunk, and says sir, anything you say may be held against you. the drunk man yells "titties"

   I feel pretty useless when I see that people living off a spoonful of rice a day can somehow muster the energy to build an irrigation system for their village when I can't even answer a question before I eat breakfast.

   Some people need to do things to try and impress simply because their personality doesn't

   Alternating between shots of tequila and espresso because I want to be an alert drunk tonight.

   What is it with Facebook games like Mafia and Farmville. I guess people need to balance their murder and violence with beets and little lost sheep.

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   Some people shouldn't be allowed to drive and talk on the phone, but not me though because I can drive with my knees.

   Maybe homeless people are just hardcore campers.

   I am the Donald Trump of poor people.

   Perfect people are terrible; it's difficult to take advantage of them.