Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I was once in a band called The Stepchildren. A lot of people pretended to like us.

   People who are offended by offensive things offend me.

   I am getting more sensitive the older I get. I realized this today as I sat on a park bench throwing bread crumbs to the old people.

   If you get drunk, don't worry. I'll let my sex drive.

   bored..going to start deleting people who dont reply within minutes of my texts

   Just went down to get my driver’s license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they’ll just think I’m spastic.

   The new iPhone's are out and some are complaining that their phones are bending. Here's an idea. If your phone bends too much, wrap it around your wrist and tell people it's the Apple Watch. You'll be the first one to have it.

   It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   People who don't like bacon cannot be trusted, end of story.

   Dear Mr 21st Century Public Bathroom Door Maker,..... am really tired of having to duck and dodge people when am on the JOHN taken care of busniess can you please make a FULL SIZE DOOR without any DOOR CRACKS on the sides!!!!! gee thanks!!

   Sometimes, I think facbook doesn't know me at all. People You May Know? I don't know any of these MoFo's!!!

   Due to the amount of spam by a high number of people playing this number game, I will now block/hide every person from my newsfeed who is doing this.. You have killed our newsfeed with personal msgs and spam. This is not twitter, so please stop

   unfriended several people. Apparently the whole "other people can see what you say on here" concept doesn't resonate with them.

   You know the bars are closing when you see drunk girls in high heels walking down the street with the grace of newborn baby giraffes.

   The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.

   Studies have shown that people who masturbate have longer lives then the people who dont... Guess that means my a$$ is living forever...

   i don't get why people find drunk texts annoying, you're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly

   Sober me:"I'll have a salad, please." Drunk me:"I need 3 cheeseburgers, 4 orders of fries, 75 chicken nuggets and 82 sides of ranch."

   It's hilarious to see really ugly people with cute little kids. You know god is just bluffing. They'll get ugly eventually.

   A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.