Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

   "No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.

   I don't usually get asked out by women, but when I do it's usually on the first of April.

   Survival Tip - If you get lost in the woods start talking politics and someone will show up to argue with you...

   Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...

   I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.

   A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?

   Does anyone have a Volkswagen Beetle? Could I borrow it for an afternoon to drive around and count how many people I see punch one another?

   Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

   Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

   Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore

   Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.

   The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.

   Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.

   All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?

   Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.

   I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

   If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country

   My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.

   Let's face it. The first thing a guy does after a woman accepts his friends request is look for bikini pics.