Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alice on Facebook thinks getting dumped is the most painful thing ever. You’ve never caught you d*ck in your zipper, so shut up, Alice.

   Thinking about opening a Vietnamese/Italian restaurant and naming it Pho, get about it.

   Everyone's like "I love Obama" or "I love Romney" and I'm just over here like "I love whiskey and beer"

   Florida just became my favorite state, since Kanye West said he will boycott Florida!

   Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".

   When I win the lottery I am going to buy all the raisin cookies in the world and throw them in the trash.

   I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay

   My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming 'Help me, Superman. Help me!' and then I run away, unexplained.

   They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less.

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's ok cause they know me there.

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees...... A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.

   wondering if Luke Skywalker ever masturbated using the Force

   Just because you're old and ugly, doesn't give you the right to be rude.

   * Throws dart... ME: Let's vacation wherever this dart lands... * Dart misses map and lands in kittylitter box... ME: OK,,, Mexico it is then

   Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can't believe they haven't paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.

   Kills me that people act as if these people(celebrities) are someone they knew personally...?

   Spiders - because women need to know they are not independent.

   Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions

   Why yes, I would like to meet sluts in my area. Thanks for asking Adriana!

   What do Justin Bieber and Pinocchio have in common? They both want to be real boys.