Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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My Ex knows enough to have the Clintons put away . Just putting this out . 
The night before the kids go back to school is the grown ups version of Christmas Eve.
Do you ever wonder what your pets biological parents would have named them?
Just sneezed and felt something pop in my neck and my left hand went numb. Might have to put off my UFC career for another week.
Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?
When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.
While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.
Some days I feel like I own waterfront property on $h!t Creek.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room
It's pretty bad when Playboy deletes their FB page because they don't want to be associated with "low values"
It's safe to assume that anyone who has a wedding band tattooed on their finger was not a statistics major.
n't it curious that the SAME FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times and found nothing incriminating ..... ALSO interviewed Hillary Clinton and found nothing incriminating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....... Ya folks ..... We're really in good hands now!
"Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn't work if it isn't open.
Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.
I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........
Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it.
At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.
If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.
Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio 