Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Party all night like animals, wake up feeling like road kill

   pretty sure he knows folks who stood in line for second helpings of 'special kind of stupid'.

   I bet the zodiac killers brain is about to explode.

   doesn't want you to call me lazy until you've walked a couple of steps in my flip-flops.

   The Little Chocoltiers, The Little Couple, Little People Big World...... TLC is changing its name to The Little Channel!

   If crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

   thinks she settled the argument over whether you refer to a carbonated beverage as "soda, pop, or Coke"....it's "chaser!"

   Why is it that everyone is either trying to preserve or disprove who they were in highschool? We were all a bunch of midget dipsh*ts making minimum wage covered in pimples

   Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose...

   I never pick up the house phone....But run a mile for the Cell Phone.

   Waldo's bangin' Carmen Sandiego right now. Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.

   There is a very good chance that you don't understand probability.

   Don't spend your night watching porn and eating cheese balls

   Won't go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for "spider life span" reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.

   damn mu gigantic thumbs on this litle blavkbetry keyborsd

   statistically, you're twice as likely to be killed by a tipped vending machine than by a shark attack. which makes me wonder why there isn't a "vending machine week"

   I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

   It may be Pre-Season Football, but I'm drinking like this game really counts.

   dressed up feeling like a million bucks but I wish I wasn't so broke...

   I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt.