Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

   How do you get off a non-stop flight?

   HPAPY ST PTARCIK'S DYA. Kiss me, I'm drunkish!

   Nothing is impossible as long as you don't have to do it yourself

   Some might debate whether waterboarding is torture, but we can all agree leaving burnt popcorn beeping in the office microwave IS torture.

   Why do the best-looking cars have the dumbest drivers?

   Met a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

   The firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, 'Even WE can't put out that many fires.'"

   LOL ..... "Planned Parenthod" Tweeted that Black Lives Matter ........ Hmmmmm ... turns out Black women comprise almost 40-50% of the abortions in the US. Guess you don't wanna make your best customers angry.

   Those open borders seem to be working really well for Europe.

   Who won the third Presidential Debate? Well that's easy, anyone who didn't watch it.

   HA .... The US Attorney General Lynch aka "America's Chief Law Enforcement Officer" ..... Is Pleading the Fifth to avoid disclosing information that may incriminate her ..... Just think about that one for a moment!!!

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved.

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Absolutely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.

   And when I die, this will all be yours. *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   I want to open a donut shop and call it Hole Foods.

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 76 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   The buttons on my clothes are starting to social distance themselves from each other...

   Let's scream at people in a restaurant or a movie theatre. That will prove our point. .