Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Summary of everyone's Facebook timeline: 1. born 2. things got worse

   Making me doubt myself was your first mistake. Underestimating me will be your last.

   can't really remember, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before I discovered Facebook...

   wondering why baby outfits have pockets? You can just imagine your 8 month old saying "yep fag's, phone, i-pod, keys ... ready to go."

   Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

   57. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed

   Mystery: why black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars.

   Yea OK... Like I am the only man who ever wears feathers in his hair from time to time.

   ...roses are red, violets are blue, I'm doing my laundry so I don't smell like you.

   You think of it as an extra hour of sleep..... I think of it as 6 less taps on the snooze button.

   Changing the face can change nothing. But facing the change can change everything.

   The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

   Relationship has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

   This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

   you want sympathy? look it up in the dictionary, its right between sh*t and syphilis.

   To all females that got a message from me that said "Hell yes....When & where?" I'm sorry,that was before I knew about this numbers game.In my defense,what was I supposed 2 think when you sent me a message that just said "69"? I thought you were asking me

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.

   Wanna be happy and married? Erase the last two words from the previous sentence.

   Lean Cuisine you may have fewer calories and less fat, but you do not satisfy me.  I'm still hungry.   :(

   Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.