Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts

   "Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times."

   I stand in an elite group, Procrastinators! The leaders of tomorrow...

   The worst thing about calling in sick today is not being able to post last night's rage fest pictures until this weekend.

   She realised I had lied about my "restaurant experience" when she saw her ceiling was dripping with balsamic vinaigrette.

   A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.

   heard the Washington Bullets want to change their name to something not associated with crime. They're just gonna be called the Bullets.

   The greener the grass is on the otherside is due to the manure being spread.

   Being with the wrong people is like wearing shoes that are too tight. It's so hard to fit in, and it hurts like hell in the end.

   If you're happy and you know it, share your meds

   One of my tattoos stands for "One time I got really sh*tfaced and made a poor decision."

   I really should bring the chair at work home with me so I can get some sleep at night...

   Don't you hate when you're driving and smell oil or a hot radiator and then automatically assume it's "your" car.

   A true love story has no ending, pauses yes, but no ending.

   I already know this is going to be a disaster. I pregret this.

   My gym bag is so funny. Today it was like “What does the outside of your car trunk look like?” and “What's a gym?”

   Procrastination is a disease! I'll do something about it tomorrow.

   Defensive Eating: Strategically consuming food for the sole purpose of preventing others from getting it.

   It's true that fame is unimportant. No matter how great a man is, the size of his funeral usually depends on the weather.

   Ladies.. Let no past relationship ruin your love life. Remember: "Love will only fail when you fail to love!" Keep moving!