Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.

   I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the a$$, Press 2 to be pushed off a cliff or Press 3 to go to jail.

   The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn't leave him alone with the Maid"

   If someone skinnier than you complains that they are fat, it’s okay to snarl at them. Frankly, it’s encouraged.

   . My mother in-law is drowning, I've informed emergency services. Hope they get my letter in time to save her.

   I am about to order a Code Red and one of my kids is going to be surprised that he is Private Santiago

   I can't decide whether to install a TV in the bathroom or a urinal in the family room.

   The great thing about insomnia is you have all this extra time to reflect on your suffering and failures.

   Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.

   I like to arrive fashionably late and unfashionably intoxicated

   The Age of Men is over. The Time of the self-killing cars has come!

   Me & my dog lay together for hours a day. Eventually he gets up and goes to lay somewhere else. It hurts my feelings every single time.

   Make sure you wear a fake moustache on your first day at a new job so everyone will think you are the undercover boss

   A friend ask me why I haven't married yet. I said if I didn't have to live with my wife I would get married.

   Next time I open up to someone is my autopsy.

   Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report?

   [restaurant] waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before? me: no but I know how to order food

   Social Distancing has taken all the sport out of trying to avoid people.

   I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

   I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.