Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The chances of me letting you merge into traffic are inversely proportional to the number of douch bag bumper stickers you have on your car.

   I'm at my most penguine when I'm trying to get from one bathroom to the next to get a roll of toilet paper.

   This pepper spray feels like "No" really meant "No".

   This weekend raise a glass to your mom since you're why she drinks in the first place.

   A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are

   I could never hate someone for their political views when I can hate them for the way they chew.

   They’re called mimosas because breakfast booze sounds too alcoholic-y.

   plot twist........ it WAS my first rodeo

   *First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"

   They can quit giving me phone books. Just saying

   She's not a slut, you guys... She just doesn't want anyone to feel left out.

   you don’t get to say “long story short” 30 minutes into your stupid story about men, Janet.

   Our curves would look great together. - Lesbian Pickup line

   Don't you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick???

   There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a pub.

   How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

   I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we have live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.

   Just heard a guy at the park tell his dog "NO!!!" and then more in a whisper, " We already talked about this!!!"

   If women wrote Valentines Candy Hearts: "Not 2nite", "Did you fart?", "Pick up your socks", "R you listening", "Oh, and another thing", and "U snore".

   Firtst World Problems in 2016: I want to start my meal, but can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat.