Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would it kill em to put a freakin superball in the lucky charms box?

   thinks my three “uh huhs” in a row should prove that I haven't heard a word you said!

   What do you give the man that has everything?'' ''Normally the middle finger, sometimes both...

   Honey, do you remember those days when we first met and you'd wake up and leave for a few days? Those were some GOOD times huh.....right.......hello? What did I say now?

   My grandson just told me that walking to school uphill both ways when I was a kid sounds odd, & I should have found an alternative route on my GPS..

   Can we apply the first rule of Fight Club to everything and maybe you just don't talk?

   doesn't really understand the big deal about walking a tightrope across Niagara Falls. I've been married for 14 years, try walking that tightrope Wallenda!

   Still no Fathers Day card from my kids. Just because they are short, furry and talk funny is no excuse....it's hard being a single father.

   screw Social Security and the national debt. Clemens lying to Congress about steroids is waaaay more important!!

   Found out at lunch today that apparently, it's rude if you honk your order in Morse code to the drive-thru attendant at McDonald's.......

   If they don't care, neither should you. It's that simple.

   Hollister should offer complimentary gas masks and ear plugs when you walk in the store.

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo sh!t shoveler.

   Christmas is a good time to realize that not all your family are relatives, and not all your relatives are family.

   Screw a designated driver. I need a designated liver.

   I love reading Facebook drama, people go so hard behind that keyboard!

   I'm gonna try setting up Occupy Wall Street signs at the local theater in hopes that police will arrest all the Twilight nuts camping out...

   if love is blind, then letting go is like taking off the blindfold.

   If I give you a straw, will you go suck the fun outta someone elses life?!

   won't be able to spend Valentine's Day with the love of his life who keeps him warm, cosy and protected!!! I'm sorry bed but I'll be cheating on you with that b^tçh mistress of mine I call work.