Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when girls say, "you probably say that to every girl." don't you use the same resume when applying to different jobs?

   Be thankful your GPS doesn't get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”

   Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.

   Mothers: Please don't tell your little girls "He's only mean because he likes you" and then wonder why they grow up and marry A-holes.

   It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.

   Give me a 12 pack... My final thought before making a decision!

   Why aren't we letting blind people think that dragons are real?

   The one where Scooby doo dies in the van because Fred forgot to crack a window.

   Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.

   What happened o the NFL? It used to be the greatest game. Now every receiver that goes out for a pass and is breathed on starts waving his hands for a flag like a big cry baby....this game is falling apart just like this country

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, “At least they picked me”

   Don't mix V iagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.

   I guess Black Friday started early in Ferguson

   Please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito. Dammit the trainee is making my burrito.

   “ea” 69 for midgets?

   If you've ever seen a woman masturbate, it's odd they're not better at video games.

   On Twitter, I keep seeing the hashtag #nowthatchersdead. Just to clarify, Cher isn't dead....

   You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish

   I don't know what is more nerve wrecking... this first kiss or the first fart.

   I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?