Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My morning prayer: Coffee, please gimme the strength I need to do stuff and put up with sh*t"

   No "It's not complicated". One of you is just a dumbass.

   I'm surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y'all.

   Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious 'hold my drink' moments for 50 years...

   And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.

   "Subpar accommodations. One star." - Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

   How to lose an argument with a woman. 1) Argue

   Thought I was doing jello shots at a ugly sweater party, turned out to be Bill Cosby's house

   Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.

   I think the hands of time have been molesting me.

   trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery

   Miss the days when a White House scandal only involved the Oval Office and an intern with dirty knees.

   we shoot off Chinese fireworks to celebrate our freedom from the British

   Curious to see if all these protestors tearing down statues will be celebrating Thanksgiving

   Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

   Two mass shootings in just over a week. Sure signs that the US is reopening and recovering from the pandemic.

   I'd rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned.

   The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

   I'm not saying she's bipolar, but for nearly two hours I thought her mood ring was a strobe light.

   Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft