Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fried rabbit and eggs on this Easter morning...sorry if this was the last house the Easter bunny made it to.

   I'm single, meaning I don't have anyone dragging me into the theaters to go see the 'Hunger Games'...

   I'm in a Long Distance Relationship....My Girlfriend Lives in the Future!

   it's summer, the kids are home. I should just accept that everyday the house is gonna look like Bourbon Street on Monday morning.

   The only alcohol problem I have is i'm running low on vodka

   Admit it. When someone is mean to you, you spend the next 2 months winning arguments with them in your shower.

   seriously science nerds. It's 2012; where's the calorie free booze???

   Judging by this frying pan that just flew by my head I did something wrong, I can't wait to find out what it is.

   When you are a kid, ''I'm going to tell your mom!'' is the scariest sentence ever!!!

   How to make a Wiz Khalifa song. •Say uhhh • Say something about weed(like 20 times) • Say you're reppin Taylor Gang.

   Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.

   It's so easy to criticize. Seriously, it's awesome how easy it is.

   I like my politicians like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.

   My doctor drums up business by refusing to refill my prescriptions until I come in to sit in their waiting room full of people with the flu.

   If every nerd donated a dollar toward construction of a Millenium Falcon, we'd all be making the Kessel Run by May.

   I know New Year's Eve is long past, but I still like to kiss strangers at the stroke of midnight each night. The key is to not wake them.

   I feel better now that I have my Facebook friends ranked in descending order of who I'd eat in the event of a food shortage.

   Would love to grab one of those San Fran NFC Championship T-shirts before they're shipped to Uganda.

   For guys, Valentines day is yet another lets-give-it-a-shot-at-having-sex-with-her day.

   I don't care what the world knows about me just so long as my parents never finds out