Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   Silence doesn't always mean 'Yes'. Sometimes it means "I'm tired of explaining to people who don't even care to understand."

   It’s like people don’t realise that once you’ve had children together, you can never get completely divorced.

   you never realize how annoying people are until you add them on facebook :)

   So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.

   In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those

   Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....

   Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.

   Don't you just hate those people that just stroll across the street like they are so important/cool and have no consideration for anybody else? I'm changing the sound of my horn to gunfire.

   I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.

   Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....

   Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?

   I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?

   Its funny that when you put a depressing status on Facebook some people actually like it?.. "Im feeling down and going to jump off a bridge" ... 10 people like this?..WTF!!!

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.