Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   For some reason, I don't think single people need Valentine's day to realize that they're single. I'm sure they realize that fact the other 364 days of the year.

   I once told a police officer, I was going 90 mph cause I sh*t my pants, he let me go. It works people, it works!

   : One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

   The thing I hate most about getting too drunk at my office Christmas party, is looking for a new job the next day.

   People sometimes let you down… bacon never does. »

   Sometimes I think people are not sacrificing everything to make me happy and I don't like it.

   Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.

   wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead.

   I like to flirt with people in stable relationships just to test how stable their relationship is.

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Depends on how drunk I am.

   Went to Starbucks this morning ordered coffee and told them my name was Trump. When my coffee was ready they started yelling my name. 4 out 5 people in the store started crying. It was hilarious....!!!

   When people don't know what's going on in your life they SPECULATE....When they think they know...they FABRICATE...AND when they do know.......they just HATE

   They got smart phones, smart cars and all the smart stuff!! when they gonna start making smart people???

   The more people mention Trump, even in a joke, the more publicity he gets. Thanks for fueling the Trump Machine.

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought.....I See You!

   I always wonder what the weather men in Arizona do with their time slot. "Well people all week, hot and no rain!" Back to you Jim.

   I'm not saying shes fat, I'm just saying if I had to pick five of the fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting

   I'm so cold that I decided to start my own non-profit today. It's called PETAELG. That's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals with the Exception of Lying Groundhogs