Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Every time I hang out with my old roommate from college, we get drunk. I think he may have a drinking problem…

   It doesn't have to make sense if it makes people laugh.

   I'm passed out drunk on the side of the road to success.

   My theory is that Twilight was seen by only ten people who each watched it four million times.

   I'm beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.

   For Thxgiving, sent out a noticed to all my wierd family to BYOF menu...that's Bring Your Own Food, cuz I cant keep up with all the Vegans, gulton-free, diabetics, sugarfree, only-carbs diet, no-carbs diet, and the no water diet people in my family.

   I hate when people say "I'm 24 and still eat mac n cheese"....Homie, there is no age limit to enjoy some quality elbow macaroni and fake powder cheese.

   .... The Older I get the meaner I get .... I'm pretty sure within the next few years I'll be biting people.

   Smart phones shouldn't be given to dumb people. It's like giving an annoyingly loud toy to an obnoxious child.

   Best Facebook update yet: unfollow post. Because sometimes, I really don't care what 100 other people had to say about your post, I just wanted to leave a comment.

   The existence of flamethrowers proves that someone once said, “I want to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough.”

   'When we were kids, we didn't have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren't there, we would get stoned like normal people.'

   Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   Things to do.. #1 dig a hole #2 name it love #3 watch people fall in love

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts.

   I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.

   I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.

   People always say moth balls have a very distinguishable smell... but I can never get their little legs apart

   I just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there.