Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Dear facebook event invite: I'd love nothing more than to travel 1100 miles to see your half a$$ed band play other people's music in a bar that's filled with 4 people. DECLINE!

   Don't you hate it when people call or text you at 5 or 6am just to ask you "whats up?"... I mean really? I am now. thank you!!.."

   People under the age of 30 have never listened to a record, so if you say "I don't want to sound like a broken record," they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means.

   Guns are incapable of losing their minds... but people sure are.

   Why I don't like people: 1%: Logical reason. 99%: I just don't.

   Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.

   The last time I was this drunk I got married.

   My tombstone will say, "She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard."

   I've always heard to "live everyday like it was your last" but noticed how much people will actually frown upon that kinda lifestyle.

   I don't understand how people can fall right to sleep after sex. I mean, are you just trusting them to leave on their own accord?

   We should be less worried about serial killers dumping bodies around the country and more concerned that it's always someone jogging that discovers them. THOSE are the people we should be looking out for...

   Why do people say "everyone is entitled to their own opinion" after saying something really stupid?

   why do people keep asking dogs "whos a good boy then". My dog told me he thinks the question is patronizing.

   It takes more muscles to frown than it does to just completely ignore people.

   The Little Chocoltiers, The Little Couple, Little People Big World...... TLC is changing its name to The Little Channel!

   Beware of those people who never post any statuses!...Come on now, we all know you're not JUST on fb to play the games, after all that's what a good ole game of solitaire is for.

   People who slow down instead of getting out of my way underestimate my willingness to commit vehicular assault.

   I'd SOOO love to get back to reading Facebook updates about e-cards, what people are having for lunch, how they would love to hit the gym but that cookie looks so good, and how much they love their children but they sure are getting on mommy's nerves.

   I need a girlfriend because I like people in my life who can remember stuff.

   Some people suffered in their youth which helped them succeed later in life. For example, if Bill Gates had gotten l@id in high school, there would have been no Microsoft.