Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!

   [Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

   I don't know about you, I could have done without Adam's wardrobe malfunction...

   The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

   Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone?

   Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald’s fries

   All of a sudden my news feed looks like a nursing home

   OMG you guys!! I have abs . . . . . . ...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

   Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

   [Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...

   I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.

   Every time I get a headache I imagine it's because someone wants me to get in bed with them.

   Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?

   Be the reason someone smiles today

   Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.

   If you lend a friend some money and you never see them again. It probably was worth it.

   I just saw an elderly couple kissing passionately and I thought to myself, I want that... ...to stop immediately.

   Maybe when God was creating the centipede he fell asleep with his elbow on the Leg button