Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities.

   Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Corona virus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone's almost out of toilet paper.

   You know what most people are getting for Christmas? Fat.

   People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)

   People are like cutlery. Women want to spoon and men want to fork.

   I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.

   They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.

   it ok to taser other people's screaming kids in the supermarket? Asking for me

   When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July.

   Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I've been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It's time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   I really find it laughable when the very same people who say they really appreciate your honesty .... Suddenly hate you when you are actually honest with them .....

   Back in my day, #Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   It's always cute when people say "looks don't matter".

   Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.

   Once told a girl we should take a "sea otter break" so we can sea otter people. Now she's dating a guy that can actually write a decent pun.

   Pokemon Go mesmerizing people into going outside is like the plot to a Steven King novel.

   Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people write on walls and worship cats.

   they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me