Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I watched the Olympics last night....I first watched competitive house remodeling, then Cooking with the nuwave oven, and finally finished the evening off with what I thought was going to be open water shark vacuuming....Olympics have sure changed...

   Welcome to parenting.... Hope you like ketchup.

   Nothing knocks the ego down a notch like buying beer and seeing the words "age visually verified" on the receipt.

   My 5 year old is trying to sell my own M&M's back to me. This guy's going places.

   The night before the 1st day of school is just like Christmas Eve for parents

   I hope the guy who invented speed bumps dies waiting on an ambulance.

   3 Important Events In A Man's Life: 1) Losing his virginity. 2) Getting married. 3) First time he wears a t-shirt in a whirlpool.

   There are Pumas wearing shirts with Usain Bolt's likeness on them.

   Ryan Lochte and his teammates lied about being robbed in Rio, but let’s see how much damage will be done to their careers.

   It’s not that I enjoy hot, steamy showers. I just want the mirrors fogged up so I can’t see my naked body.

   You can't just light a pumpkin spice candle in August you psycho.

   On a scale of 1 to functional alcoholic, where does pre-gaming before my daughter's kindergarten open house fall?

   I'm neither a glass half full or half empty. I always drink it all.

   Sorry I told your kid beehives were nature's honey piñatas.

   Probably cure 60% of depressed teens just by showing them pics of what the cool kids I went to school with look like now.

   Sorry I'm late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.

   Don't get in a relationship with someone before knowing what voices they use around babies and pets.

   Rule #35 Of Cleaning A Fridge: Even if you didn't buy broccoli two months ago, there is two-month-old broccoli in the back.

   Just call Weight Watchers frozen meals what they really are, appetizers.

   I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.