Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my 20s: My knees hurt from being on my knees 😏 In my 30s: My knees hurt from being alive

   Amendment to the 2nd. The right of the people to keep and bear plastic straws shall not be infringed. You can’t shoot paper through paper.

   Losing your wife can be difficult. I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.

   I was talking to a guy outside my building and he was telling me his gf hates his dog and he had to get rid of her so if anyone who doesn't own a dog wants her shes available. Shes about 5'3 130 pounds brunette.

   The reason Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and Tomato Soup are so popular is because they are the same basic ingredients as Pizza.

   Sixty percent of Americans ages 18-25 couldn't identify Col. Sanders in the KFC logo. In fact, more than half of respondents thought it was one of the band members of ZZ Top.

   An average person farts 13 times a day......... finally!! I'm above average at something.

   Most all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as the head of household.

   The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter = pumpkin pi...

   "Wisdom doesn't come from age, wisdom comes from the things that you srewed up in your life."

   Untill I got married, I never knew there was a wrong way to put the milk back into the fridge.

   My MIL would invite her self to have dinner with my husband and me. Tired of this, one time after dinner I put the dishies on the floor and let the dog lick them clean in front of her. Then put them back into the cabinet. We now have MIL free dinners.

   I can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp. That is why I'm taking no chance and bringing my ID to the grocery store with me.

   If you see me drinking "coffee" from a insulated tumbler in public, then you don't know me very well.

   The sooner you give up on me, the easier this will be for both of us.

   Staying alone is cool and all but the only problem is that it's always your turn to do the dishes.

   It seems only yesterday, my dear old mum telling me to wash my food before eating it! A lovely woman, but terrible sandwiches!

   Want to meet eligible singles in your area? Then mill around the Valentine candy clearance aisle.

   Wish every project I start was as easily finished as in the how to videos.

   The number of hobbies a man has is directly proportionate to how cray his wife is...