Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy

   The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.

   Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!

   My MIL would invite her self to have dinner with my husband and me. Tired of this, one time after dinner I put the dishies on the floor and let the dog lick them clean in front of her. Then put them back into the cabinet. We now have MIL free dinners.

   I can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp. That is why I'm taking no chance and bringing my ID to the grocery store with me.

   If you see me drinking "coffee" from a insulated tumbler in public, then you don't know me very well.

   The sooner you give up on me, the easier this will be for both of us.

   Staying alone is cool and all but the only problem is that it's always your turn to do the dishes.

   It seems only yesterday, my dear old mum telling me to wash my food before eating it! A lovely woman, but terrible sandwiches!

   Want to meet eligible singles in your area? Then mill around the Valentine candy clearance aisle.

   Wish every project I start was as easily finished as in the how to videos.

   The number of hobbies a man has is directly proportionate to how cray his wife is...

   Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time. Can someone please explain why we let THAT happen?

   Some people are as useless as an audiobook on sign language

   On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

   I'm no longer afraid to say that I loved Milli Vanilli's songs!.....or whoever it was that perform their songs.

   Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box.

   Space aliens are taking our jobs. This is why we need to ransack Area 51.

   I opened the face app to make myself look old and it just booted up my GPS app and gave me directions to a mirror

   "Area 15? I'm in!!" R Kelly, probably.