Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I bet shady people have a really hard time getting tan

   My friend asked “What do blind people think about when they masturbate?” I’d be willing to bet that it is something along the lines of “Who is watching me”

   My wife and I got a book on how to spice up our love life. One suggestion was to make love in a car wash. It was great but it really pissed off those people doing their church fund raiser.

   I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.

   Attention guy walking two feet behind me down the entire block even though we're the only people on this street: I will stab you in 10 feet.

   Facebook 101: Seriously, if you've got something to say to someone, say it to them DIRECTLY. Don't post it on your wall for everyone else to see because no one else is interested, and people will just think you're a egotist.

   Some people are worth holding on to. Some people are worth letting go. Most people are just a waste of space.

   How do you beat a country that will change it's liquor laws to allow bars to open so people can gather and watch gold medal games??? YOU DON'T!!!

   Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.

   Why aren't we letting blind people think that dragons are real?

   Rich people stay rich by living like they are poor. Poor people stay poor by living like they are rich.

   No one deserves people chanting outside their home. No one

   To pay for gas, I'm selling tickets that allow people to get lost in my eyes for 15 minutes.

   I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.

   Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

   364 shopping days 'til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.

   The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.

   People think the pile of bodies outside my door is a Halloween decoration, it isn't. I've plugged the doorbell into the mains.

   Want people to pay more attention to you? Carry a giant axe.

   Daily Random 'F*ck You': To those people that get a puppy or kitten because they're so cute but then get rid of them when they grow into adult animals, F*CK YOU!