Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Misogynistic? So if he hit the golfball into a GUY's head, that would have been ok.

   Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make it perfect. Have a great day. :)

   Pepsi is now pulling its sponsorship of the Miami Dolphins, after hearing they prefer Coke!

   My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.

   Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs in my truck. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   I think Wal-Mart should start a new Express Checkout lane for shoppers with more than 12 teeth

   My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.

   A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.

   I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.

   I think I lost an hour reading all the tweets about how people lost an hour this weekend

   Somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for fudge brownies

   I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.

   OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   Next time you visit someone with Alexa. "Alexa set 3am alarm with horror movie sounds."

   St Peter: "so..how did you die?" Me: "I was sat on a beanbag and the house caught fire"

   Did I miss the grammys again! darn that makes like 10 years in a row.

   I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....

   Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength.