Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn't want to talk too.

   Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.

   I just got arrested by a drunk cop. He keeps asking why I pulled him over. There's something wrong here.

   Real cases, real people, real emotional abuse....JUDGE JUDY

   I hate people who say, “Talk to me I am bored”. STFU, do I look like I was put on this planet to entertain you?

   For Easter I'm gonna get really drunk and hide a whole bunch of eggs, wake up sober and have an Easter egg hunt with myself!

   Sometimes you have to look back to see just how far you HAVE come. Dont dwell on the past. Things and people move into the past for a reason and do not make it into your present and future for a reason. You look back to gain perspective, not to gain doubt

   I shot out of bed last night with the awful realization that Charlie Tuna was a tunafish that loved the idea of people eating tunafish

   Call me a skeptic but I doubt people LOL as much as they claim.

   My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people

   I'm so drunk I almost answered my phone.

   To the people who upload full movies to YouTube: Get a life…also, thank you.

   Making people uncomfortable really brightens up my day.

   Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package...

   The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   I miss Sunday afternoon football. The people living in this house keep trying to speak to me.

   With all the people on my back, it's a miracle I can even walk.

   I don't need anger management... I need people to stop talking to me when I wake up.

   The more I hear about other people's relationship drama, the happier I am that I'm single. :

   Those awkward car rides with people you barely know.