Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every day above ground is a good day.

   RIP Donna Summer NOW we will never know who left the cake out in the rain

   I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

   Gold Digger - like a hooker, only smarter.

   Happiness is going to your sons wedding, seeing your ex-wife and fighting the desire to shake the hand of the man who she left you to be with and say, "thank you, I really dodged the bullet on that one"

   Its a sad day. Signed, Epstein's Mother

   I just ate empanadas and listened to old Menudo records. I'm pretty sure that makes me more Puerto Rican than Jennifer Lopez now.

   A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder. 

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   Where do I purchase one of those filters that goes between my brain & my mouth?

   The best relationships are the ones where the other person makes you so f*cking h*rny you can't remember why they've made you so p*ssed off.

   Still in my Y2K bunker. Have they given the all clear yet? Running out of beans.

   I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican midget. I bet they're all just having a hard time making it over the fence

   Time does not heal all wounds. Case in point, leave a gunshot wound untreated and see where that lands you.

   I thought at this stage of my life, I would have at least one concubine.

   Before you send me an invite to your event, please familiarise yourself with my diva demands.

   You can burn calories by having sex! Related: Looking for a workout partner.

   A good drinking game; watch Wheel of Fortune and do a shot for every time they applause.

   We ignore those who need us and need those who ignore us....

   Shouting "Ewok porn!" during a brainstorming session is neither "productive" nor "funny" apparently.