Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone needs a nice pair of boobs to soap up in the shower, their own or someone else's.

   i hate when things come between us, our clothes for instance

   Currently building a rocket ship for the next girlfriend that tells me she needs some space.

   Are you stalking me? Cause that would be awesome!

   Ladies, the third outfit you try on is always our favourite because we just want all this torture and torment to end.

   "It's the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.

   Want to be a rebel? THINK.

   Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"

   anybody else worried about the lack of toilets on the star ship enterprise?

   One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.

   Oral sex does not mean talking about it.

   Chemists do it on the table...periodically.

   I need a good cry... I think I'll go weigh myself.

   My car has a luxurious heated steering wheel (in the months of June-August)

   I see your rules, and raise you my complete disregard.

   I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.

   I wonder how awkward it was for the guy who invented clapping: *claps* "What're you doing??" Not Sure...but it sounds encouraging

   Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I'm paying!

   With fewer toothpaste choices on the market now, maybe those 5 dentists can finally agree.

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have some mad stalking skills plus references.