Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   People with beards apparently have something to hide. Femininity for example, if they are a woman.

   I'm lonely, but not 'talk to people' lonely.

   A girl just showed her boobs to a bouncer to get a keychain. I took it from her b/c she was sloppy drunk. Is this what pimping feels like?

   If your neighbors seem like the "nicest, quietest, friendliest" people, they probably have kidnapped humans in their basement zoo.

   I like to wear Grocery store uniforms and tell homeless people that I'm there to repo the shopping cart.

   If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

   I don't think people like the hugs I dish out. They say its weird during mid hug when I whisper in their ear..."Just relax and spread that hug all over me".

   Taking a looooooong time to get up today. I think If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.

   Today is the American Thanksgiving or as we in Canada like to call it...Thursday. Happy Thanksgiving you funny people...

   If more people carried guns the bad guys would get off fewer shots.

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."... Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   I think less people would tempted to use an "Out of Order" Toilet... if the sign actually read... "Ain't Takin' NO Sh*t"!

   When I see insane people on the street talking to themselves I want to tell them about Twitter.

   Fun Fact: If you wear a shirt and tie into WalMart, people will ask for your autograph because they think you're the President.

   People who text back instantly. Keep it up, I like that shi t.

   all for gay marriage. Why should straight people have all the misery?

   babies have it so easy, they can poop or puke on anyone and people will still think theyre cute!

   Do not drunk dial or text tonight. Note to self: come back and read this at 3am

   Don't you miss the times when your parents were your favorite people in the world? When boys, drama, and nothing else mattered to you except how to avoid naptime? I know I do

   People always tell me that I should follow my dreams. Last night, I had that dream where I was in school, but I was naked in front of the whole class. Off I go! I might need bail money.