Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

   The best things in life are free until the government finds out and taxes it.

   Got damn shame, the cast of '16 and Pregnant' are the future cast of '32 and Grandparents'

   Best of luck to Ja Rule today as he enters Ja il.

   Thought I was having deja-vu but it turns out I do the exact same things every day

   ME: "I wanted to marry you but my family members refused: HER: "Who are they to deny our love?" ME: "My wife and 2 kids"

   Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

   When I start thinking to myself that I want a girlfriend I just turn on The View and put the volume on max. It snaps me back to reality

   My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time" I see "Time to Beat"

   Did you hear about the new, talking-terrorist doll? They don't know what it says; everyone is afraid to pull the string.

   You don't need 50 expletives in a Facebook status. It makes you look -- uneducated.

   I like to go to the store, ask for help, get real close to the employee and whisper "Where is your lice medicine" just for the reaction

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that." - Life

   I hate people who keep whining over their pointless self-created, self-inflicted and never-ending drama.

   The last time I touched a nice ass was when my hand went through the toilet paper

   Using a cellphone in 90's: "he's prob a drug dealer" Using a payphone today: "he's prob a drug dealer"

   You had me at "I can't have children."

   Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth

   I wonder how many people's phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!