Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hoping the hurricane washes up jersey shore!

   Why does everyone insist on asking, "You ok?" after you hurt yourself? No I'm not f*cking OK. Can you not sense my agony?

   I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, "Sorry, what was your name again?"

   yes I'm an A$$hole but I'm my defense that guy shouldn't have been walking that close to that puddle!

   will not be making any Christmas related status updates until December

   Normal people are weird.

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key....

   I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

   I'm so good at bullsh*ting that I just convinced myself I'm in a good mood.

   Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumb@ss!

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   *Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let's get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”

   There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon

   When a midget smokes weed does he get high? Or medium?

   Life is like a pen!s: simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's women who make it hard.

   Every time someone clears their browser history there should be a little voice that says "good move.

   Great..now the lamest sports slogan ever WHO DAT will never die..

   I don't understand the whole gay marriage debate. Why would they want to ruin a perfectly good relationshp by getting married?

   The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.

   just became the president of A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.- All American Association Against Acronym And Abbreviation Abuse Anonymous