Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She was gone as fast as rum cake at an AA meeting!

   I wanna buy dolphins and dress 'em in suits so that I can tell my accountant I bought 'em for business porpoises... and we would laugh and laugh.

   If they ever invent a sensor for behind-your-back eye-rolls, I am so screwed.

   all restaurants are drive-thru if you drive hard enough

   If I were invisible the first thing I would do would be to beat the crap out of a mime. The people would love it!

   I have been misled. Life is not a box of Chocolates. It's a tin of mixed nuts at best.

   You may call it "alcohol abuse" but I've never heard the alcohol complaining.

   A lot of people constantly complain about Monday's, Tuesday's and Wednesday's being the worst part of the week, I have discovered that with the right mix of Jack Daniels and sleeping pills those days no longer have to happen.

   OCCUPATION: Bullsh*t Recognition Specialist.

   Okay, I've had it with real life, give me my fairy godmother, my prince, and my happily ever after endings.

   Beware of people who tell you to "get a life". They may want the one you already have.

   Before Snoop Dogg had his "foshizzle", Willy Wonka had his "Scrumdiddlyumptious" bar!

   It took civilization thousands of years to get us off the farm, and Facebook just one year to send people back.

   Did you know? When you say 'beer can" in a British accent you're also saying "bacon" in a jamaican accent.

   Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

   Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a Jedi Master and use the force to open automatic doors like at walmart.

   I need some transition time from the weekend... can we drink during lunch breaks this week to get back to normal?

   starting his spring cleaning tonight...so if you have 1 less friend in the morning, you'll know why!!!!

   not spoiled...... I deserve all my stuff.

   always beats Edward Scissorhands in rock-paper-scissors.